And now I know- because I have seen first hand- how my attitude has affected one of my children.
The other night I heard the pitter patter of little feet down the steps, well after bed time. Cassidy is the notorious offender, but she is just so darn cute and innocent I usually just give her a hug and kiss, and pat her bottom as she skips back upstairs. But this night was a little different.
When she approached me I could see her eyes were red, her hair was mussed and bangs wet, and I could see the distress in her face. But couldn't determine exactly what was up. She was having a hard time telling me. I started getting upset at her because she wouldn't speak. Andy stepped in, questioning my harsh tone and gave me the cold hard reality check I needed (and have needed too many times over the past month or so). I calmed down and asked her again what was wrong. She couldn't verbalize it. I asked why her hair was wet, and her bottom lip got big and pouty and she told me 'I tried to fix it, but it wouldn't come out... even when I sprayed it and brushed it... so then I got the scissors.'
It took me a minute to calm myself when I realized the 'mussed' hair was because a chunk was missing. Andy stepped in again, calmed her and we put her to bed together. We had a short talk about how that wouldn't happen again, and that she wasn't in trouble, that we were a little disappointed that she didn't come get us first.
I went down stairs and started processing the incident. Feeling bad about how I reacted, because my overreactions were obviously getting out of control.
And as I sat there it dawned on me.
SHE CUT HER HAIR BECAUSE OF ME.
About a week before this incident we were short on time, and I was busily trying to get something done, when she came to me with a huge twirly knot in her hair. When she is bored or nervous or tired, she twirls a front section of her hair over and over... This usually ends up in a knot. On that particular occasion, the knot was super tight and I was having a hard time getting out a knot that I had no time to get out. So I gave her an earful.
My heart sank. She cut her hair to avoid upsetting me; to avoid getting yelled at again; so that she could do it by herself without having to disappoint or involve me, so instead I could be proud that she handled it herself. It seemed like a good solution to her until she realized what she had actually done while trying to avoid upsetting me was perhaps worse. And now she had to tell me.
I know had I not overreacted last time she had a knot, that she would have just come down, asked for help and I would have taken 20 seconds to help her remove her twirly knot. *sighhhhhhhhhI felt so ashamed of myself. What kind of mother frightens her children into feeling that they can't come to her when something is wrong? I have gone over it in my head time and again, and I have vowed that this will never happen again. I am taking steps to make myself better... to soften this hardened heart and spirit. I am praying more and taking time to consciously compliment my children. I am doing all I can to be positive and to love. I am trying really hard not to yell, and to take each situation a step at a time. They are my babies! They deserve so much better.
Sometimes it takes something like this for our eyes to be opened. Blessing in disguise. I am just so thankful that it was only a chunk of hair, and not something more serious. The message was received, and I am thankful that I don't have to be perfect, as long as I continue to try to be better. Thankful that I can pick up, move on, and do all that I can to make sure I keep myself from becoming that person again.
