With Gratitude...the difference a year makes

I am sitting here humbled today.  Andy has the oldest three out ice fishing, looking like the three stooges in state puff marshmallow costumes... poor Cass just waddles along in all of her warm clothes. I have a few hours to myself to finish the wrapping, relax and ponder.  As I type this with my right, my sweet Baby Isaac quietly nurses in my left arm.  Such a magical warm spirit exists here. But a year ago today was not the quiet, cozy, happy day it is today.  A year ago today I was in a fog recovering from a miscarriage and worrying about whether I had thyroid cancer.  All I wanted to do was sleep, cry, and hold my 3 children and husband.  I was in such a dark place both emotionally and spiritually.  I vividly remember laying in bed sobbing, not knowing what to feel- grateful for all that I had but at the same time feeling empty, scared, forgotten and lost.  At a time when we are supposed to feel love for our Savior and rejoice in all he did for us, I was struggling to understand how I could feel so forgotten, and for some reason so unworthy.   As I laid there that night sobbing into my pillow, with all my heart I pleaded with the Lord to deliver me from the pain, hurt and the distress I was experiencing.  And He did.  The next thing I knew, this warm calming feeling enveloped me ... and I felt His love and knew I was not alone... and that I never was.  That is not to say that I didn't have an uphill journey ahead of me, but I rode it out knowing I always had somewhere to turn for strength.  It is that testimony that helps me daily: to know that He is aware of us and will never give us more than we can handle. That we can gain and grow from the challenges and heartbreak in our lives. I await results of my annual thyroid ultrasound, but feel positive about it.  And while my heart still aches on occasion for the little one I will never hold in this life, I know his or her sweet spirit waits for me and that we will one day be together.  I am so thankful for my husband and the 4 children I get to hug, hold and tuck in each night.  My heart overflows with happiness this holiday season and with gratitude for my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. May you hold you loved ones close and have a blessed holiday as well.

Merry Christmas!

Color Me Merry Christmas Card

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Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

Check this out... the kids love doing these.  And they turn out pretty cute:)

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/48V7ClADmnpwX0HA

sleepover

Last night the kids had a sleep over.  No outside friends were involved, just Jack, Lucy and Cassidy. They whispered to each other about it all day long in anticipation.  The girls piled up blankets and their stuffed animals, books and dolls and they camped out on Jack's floor.  They listened to books on CD, giggled, scurried around the room and then drifted off to sleep together.  It is moments like these that I want to remember.  That they truly do love their siblings and want to spend time together.  It seems like it is all too common that I catch one of my children doing something less than nice to another.  It is so refreshing to catch the opposite occurring.

better with age

Like cheddar and red wine, my hair only gets better with age.

Cry me a river

Last night was a rough one.  Isaac cried and cried from about 5:30 until 11:00pm.  If he had tears, he would have probably more accurately cried me an ocean.  I have to admit I am not used to a baby that cries like that.  Lucy and Cassidy were never colicky like this and let's be honest, 7 years ago is a long time to remember back (although Jack did cry quite a bit too).  I have a hard time with Mommy guilt if I just go let him cry in another room. It just doesn't feel right... until I reach the point where my arms are tired from holding him, my legs are tired from bouncing him and my ears are tired from hearing him.   The only thing during that time that stopped him from crying was when he was eating. (And perhaps TMI but mama's mommy parts can't take that much abuse! Nursing has not been a piece of cake thus far either.)  Bouncing didn't help, swaddling didn't help, clean diapers didn't help, rocking- no, pacifier-no, swing and bouncy chair- no.  History has come to prove that there is going to be a period of time in the evening where the little bugger (thanks Shalet for that term) just needs to cry it out.  But I feel so helpless and so guilty not trying to calm him during that time.   Last night he cried in his bassinet in my bathroom with the fan on while I tried to get some sleep. But I just felt like such a bad mom.  So is there anything I am missing?  Anyone have any other ideas I should try? 

Santa Baby

We have been busy celebrating the season lately. The tree is up, the decorations adorn the house;  we baked cookies, crafted glittery pine cones, watched Mr. Kruger's Christmas along with a bunch of other Christmas classics, sang Christmas songs at the library sing along, decorated cookies with Aunt Hiedi, joined in a church pot luck and celebrated a little early with my family.  And I don't really have pictures of any of it-  except for this attempt at getting all 7 grandchildren on my side of the family to  look at the camera.  

Cassidy, Jack and Isaac, Lucy and Brady, Elaina and Carter

I know- it's not like me.  But I have been nervous to even look at my camera since I broke it. I will be taking pictures for my brother in law and his future wife next week and I want the camera working the best it can with the remaining lens.  I can hardly wait to take pictures of them in beautiful historic Nauvoo at the temple!  

Well, this morning I saw Isaac's little Santa suit sitting on the table when I woke up.  I decided it was just too cute to let it sit there.

So I gave it a try.

And I have to say that I love this expensive new hobby.

New hat

The difference a month makes

I decided to break out the old Canon Powershot because life has to go on even without the new camera for the time being.  So here is Isaac at  a few days ...

And here he is at 1 month!

How can you change that much in only one month!? Those cheeks are really filling out and that scrunchie face is not so scrunchie anymore. And we almost got a smile here (he is smiling more and more each day!).

1 month old

Today Isaac is one month old!  Where has the time gone? He finally got to meet his Aunt Jenny and Uncle Matt and cousins Elaina, Carter and Brady this weekend.  They are visiting with my Mom and Dad to celebrate Christmas with us a little early.  At one month Isaac is much more alert than he was only a week ago.  He studies things with his eyes for a few seconds tyring to figure them out, and makes good contact.  He made Auntie Jenny's day when he smiled at her today. BEFORE HIS MOMMY.  But then I got a smile too and all was well.  He has a very strong head and lifts it about 90 degrees for 4-5 seconds.  According to my scale here at home he weighs about 8lbs 10oz and those cheeks are filling out, as are those thighs (but he has a way to go to catch up to Owen and Brady, his butterball cousins:)). 

The picture above was when Isaac was a few days old. I love it and had decided that I wanted to take a picture of him in this position, each month to see how he changes.  But it turns out fate had another idea, and I most likely won't be able to do it any time soon. You see, I was happily snapping away when the unthinkable happened. As I went to set my camera down, the strap caught on something, AND I DROPPED IT. As in my 2 month old one.  Yep, broke my favorite lens and now the camera gives me an error message when I try to use my 18-55mm lens.  It does work with my 75-300mm lens but you can't replicate this picture with that. Let me tell you I have given myself (a figurative) black eye about 50 times as that event replays in my mind.  And research I have done thus far has me believing that since this is a new model, I will have to send the camera to New Jersey to Canon itself, to have it fixed.  (There is a punch in the gut too!?!)

This is the last picture I took before the accident:

Cassidy (who btw is feeling much better) and I were making some cookies together for our weekend with family.  I was pretty impressed with myself because I was making cookies with one arm, while walking around, holding Isaac with the other while he was nursing.  Needless to say, I was so sour about 1. dropping the camera and 2. the likely cost associated with fixing it, the post never made it onto the blog. So we made yummy Andes Candies Candies cookies. There. 

While it really sucks that my camera has issues, I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it is only a camera.  I am really thankful that we are all healthy and happy, that we get to spend some quality time with family, that we get to celebrate the birth of the Savior, and also that I have the Gospel in my life.  Cameras come and go, but families are forever.

P.S. Sorry Isaac, your 1 month post got turned into a multi-themed post. I'll try not to drop my camera next time.

Santa and Mrs. Claus

We got to see Santa and Mrs. Claus! Jack opted out.  He's just too cool I guess.  Lucy and Cassidy were super excited. Lucy wrote a Christmas list and made sure, without me even saying anything, that it was 'not too long because I don't want to seem greedy." Then she wrote one for Cassidy also. She asked me multiple questions about what Santa was like, what he'd ask her and then asked me if her answers were alright. Lucy took this whole business seriously.  Then I made the mistake of showing her my friend Mandie's picture  (scroll to the bottom of the post).  When we got there, Lucy refused to get out of the car and started crying when I gave her one last chance to do so. She finally got out, and proceeded to give my hand the vice grip.  Somehow she did end up in the picture. I was hoping you could see her signature nervous 'tongue in the cheek' thing she does, but you can't.  dang. I was hoping for at least a little drama.  I guess I can hope for next year... when someone turns one...Am I horrible? 

As we were leaving Lucy told me she didn't think it was really Santa. I told her he could be one of Santa's helpers because he can't visit everyone in the world himself.  She replied "No Mom, I mean I think he was an elf.  His voice just wasn't right for Santa." Hmmmmm. I guess that makes sense too.

stop in the name of love

   When Isaac came home from the hospital I was pleasantly surprised at how unconditionally loving the kids were towards him.   I have to admit I was a little nervous about what effect adding another child to our family would have.  I was concerned that Cassidy would be terribly jealous since she was the baby for the past 3 years, and worried that the other two would be unhappy because my time and attention had to be shared with another individual.  Not so.  They were constantly giving him little love pats on his bum, kissing his head, yelling hello from across the room, coloring him pictures and writing him little love notes: constantly loving on him, touching him, up in his face.  Enter sickness. This is where I went from worried to oober worried.  Seeing Cassidy struggle to breathe is scary enough... when I consider what it would do to a 3 week old baby it has literally made me paranoid about Isaac getting sick.  Cass struggled...but I can only imagine what this virus would do to a baby who cries to communicate and is an obligatory nose breather.  Enter: baby rules.  If you love your brother: STOP! No children are allowed to touch Isaac for a few days- germs are everywhere especially grungy little fingers.  Cassidy's rules are unfortunately a little harsher. She went from being used to giving Isaac about 100 kisses on his face per day to not being allowed  in the same room as Isaac, to not being able to see him under the blanket covering him today (since she is getting better).  It has been hard but they are trying their best to follow my constant reminders and give their brother some space.  It has been the hardest for Cassidy who is Isaac's constant companion while the kids are at school.  At least it is a good incentive for her to complete her nebulizer treatments.  She doesn't want to do them.  But she does want to get healthy so she can play with her brother again. 



this was taken 2 weeks ago... obviously she can't be this close yet :)



wheezing and the ER and steroids, oh my!

Cassidy ended up in the ER Sunday evening. She had been doing well through the day, and was even eating and drinking a little, but when she woke from her nap about 4:30 she was wheezing terribly.  And whenever she couldn't clear her throat, she got scared, started crying which brought the severity of the wheezing up a notch.  After a call to the local nurse line, it was recommended I take her to the ER. She was given a one time oral steroid, a nebulizing treatment and we were on our way home a little over an hour later with our own nebulizer and a few prescriptions.  That night she slept like a dream, only coughing a few times.  Her wheezing was barely noticeable.  The next day she had the cutest little raspy chipmunk voice (as cute as it can get when it is caused by sickness) and a cough-- and it really amazes me how well she covers her mouth.  As night came again the wheezing and coughing were more noticeable - as I guess is expected in the evening.  Today her cough is more like a typical cough- not barky like it was, and her wheeziness is about gone. Her spunk is back (as she stands here smirking at me with her hand on her hip). I am hoping we are nearing the end.

As for Isaac, he remains healthy. (knock on wood and cross your fingers).  He has been pretty much quarantined in my bedroom or under a blanket if I am holding him.  Good thing he is so young- otherwise he may start to get a complex.  It is getting harder to keep him away- Cass keeps asking for 'just a little peek,' as she is missing her little brother.

**When Andy got home from work this evening and asked Cassidy how she felt, she replied "Good! I am getting my sound back!"

croup

I awoke last night to a terrible noise.  Like a bark.  At first I didn't know what it was... then I heard it again and sprang out of bed and into the girls room.  There I found a scared, shaking, wheezing little girl.  I have to admit I kinda freaked out.  The cough had croup written all over it, but it wasn't the cough so much as the terrible wheezing that scared me. As I ran in to get Andy my first inclination was to get Cass to the ER- Andy's was to calm her and give her a blessing of comfort and health.  (I feel like I failed in being able to comfort and calm her because I was so caught up in getting her to the doctor. ) Andy is my rock in situations like this.  I tend to freak while he is so level headed.  Well, he got her calmed down and her breathing got much better.  We looked up croup to be sure at the NIH website, and it confirmed that was what she had.  We decided to keep her calm and keep her in with us for the remainder of the night, holding off on taking her to the ER.  For the next 6 hours I laid next to her half conscious, making sure her breathing stayed regular and the wheezing didn't get worse.  A few times I whisked her outside in to the cold night air which worked like a charm to calm her stridor.  About 6am she asked to go back to her bed, and since her breathing had been good, I took her back to her room and got an hour of sleep myself.  She has had a pretty good day so far today, so I am hoping her little body is fighting hard.  She is really doing a great job of keeping her mouth covered when she coughs also- especially for a 3 year old.

Isaac was really good last night- thank goodness. I put him next door in Jack's room and he woke only once to eat.  I am doing my best to keep him covered and in another room away from Cassidy.  She is having a hard enough time fighting this virus... I can only imagine (to my horror) what it would do to him. I have really made a concerted effort to stay at home these past few weeks to avoid germs and viruses like this.  Goes to show just who is in charge. But I have faith, and know we won't be given more that we can handle.  That being said, I don't usually solicit prayers but if you are the praying type- we could use a few.  Now this worry wart of a mom is going to wash her hands, and go care for her babies.

volume

So you wanna know the secret to my voluminous hair? 

Johnson and Johnson. oh, and a strict diet of breast milk.

the first bath

 Isaac recently had his first bath.  He enjoyed the majority of it.  I forgot what a circus a simple bath can be with a newborn.  Trying to juggle keeping his head up out of the water, pouring soap, washing, rinsing and dodging water that overflows is quite the task.  Luckily my friend Danielle was there to help ease me back into it.  What I realized during the bath is that my skinny boy is starting to fill out some of those skin flaps.  He is starting to get some rolls!   When he came home from the hospital he weighed 6# 4.8 oz.  Only 2 weeks later he weighed in at 7# 10 oz., which I thought sounded large.  The doctor informed me however that was the 10th percentile.

chubs. proof.

 

zumba to the rescue

Isaac found his voice the past week.  Since he has become more alert, he has decided that he is going to keep up with his siblings when they are being rambunctious... and even when they aren't.  Not that he never cried before... he has just created more of a pattern to his crying and has started doing it more.  The kids are actually very good about it.  The usually rush over to pat or hush or love on him.  Another thing they discovered that helps quiet him is music.  He seems to soothe nicely to music.  A few days ago we were all heading out on an errand.  Isaac was not happy at that time and was really giving her.  I got the kids settled into their seats and remembered something I forgot, so I told them I'd be right back.  As I left, Isaac was going at full tilt.  When I returned about 30 seconds later, I saw the three oldest kids all waving their hands over their heads, and heard them belting out in acapella fashion, "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, singing waaaaaaaaaaaaayo, gotta leeeeeeeeeeeeeet go! I wanna celebrate and live my life....."  And there sat Isaac, content in his seat. It was zumba I am telling you.  I probably zumba-ed to that song 100 times when I was pregnant with him.  Guess I am going to have to ask Jen for a CD of our zumba songs for those late nights when he just won't stop crying.

awe